Sharing her story with the Am I the A******? (AITA) forum on January 5, user u/Ice-Ice-Revolution explained that her brother married her childhood best friend, Brittany. Unfortunately, he died two years ago in an accident, leaving a pregnant Brittany devastated and in a “mountain of debt.”
The poster and her family have since rallied around Brittany and her daughter Lilac, now 2 years old. However, Ice-Ice-Revolution’s husband has surprised her with an all-inclusive trip to Paris for Valentine’s Day, causing Brittany to have a breakdown. Brittany has been begging the poster to take her instead, despite the Paris trip being a Christmas gift from her husband.
“Brittany told me that I was punishing her for being a widow, and that it was unfair I would have a ’love affair in Paris’ while she cried at my brother’s grave,” Ice-Ice-Revolution wrote.
“My mom told me I would be selfish to leave a grieving widow over Valentine’s Day. Am I being an a******?”
Fellow Reddit users were shocked by the sister-in-law’s “unreasonable” request, with the post receiving over 13,000 upvotes and over 2,500 comments.
How To Comfort Someone Who Is Grieving—Without Sacrificing Your Own Happiness
It can be hard to comfort someone in mourning, but Elizabeth Fedrick—counselor and owner of Evolve Counseling and Behavioral Services—said the best thing you can do is validate their feelings.
“Validation takes place by stating that you can understand the situation they are going through is very difficult and that you are feeling for them,” she told Newsweek.
You can also ask questions to determine their needs, such as “What can I do to best support you during this time?”
However, Fedrick said it’s important not to let someone else’s grief inhibit your own happiness.
“It would be sensitive to not talk openly right away about all the things going well in your life, but this does not mean you need to stifle your joy to make the other person feel better,” she said.
But what if you’re feeling emotionally blackmailed by the grieving party?
“Even if someone is grieving a tremendous loss, this never gives anybody the right to manipulate, guilt, or control someone else’s happiness or life decisions,” Fedrick said.
“While it can certainly be tempting to want to overextend yourself for someone you feel sad for, this never actually helps the situation, but rather often results in you feeling hurt and resentful, and the other person continuing to still grieve their hardships.”
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
‘Straight Up Manipulation’
In her post, Ice-Ice-Revolution said she and her sister-in-law Brittany (both 28) have been friends for most of their lives, since “around five or [six years old].”
“As part of having a friendship with me, she was around my brother (M, would be 30) quite a lot as children, and their romance blossomed as teenagers,” she wrote. “They were married five years ago.”
Sadly, Ice-Ice-Revolution’s brother died two years ago in a “tragic accident.” Brittany was eight months pregnant at the time, and his death also left her with substantial money worries. As a result, she moved in with Ice-Ice-Revolution’s parents, who have been helping to raise her daughter Lilac while Brittany attends college.
Ice-Ice-Revolution and Brittany are still close. However, a Christmas gift from her husband has caused a rift in their friendship.
“For Christmas, my husband (M30) bought an all-inclusive trip for him and I to explore Paris and have a romantic getaway,” she said.
“I have always had France on my wish-list, and I am so grateful to him for such a wonderful gift. We leave in February for two weeks, and it is honestly a dream come true.”
Upon hearing the news from Ice-Ice-Revolution’s parents, Brittany called the poster in “floods of tears,” asking Ice-Ice-Revolution to leave her husband behind and take her instead.
“She said that she will never be able to experience a romantic getaway like that with her own husband, and that we (my husband and I) could just go again at another time,” she wrote.
“She said she gave up everything to raise Lilac and she would love for us to have a girls’ trip like we did when we were younger.”
Although her husband offered to step back, Ice-Ice-Revolution said no to Brittany’s request, as she wanted to go on the romantic getaway as planned. In response, Brittany told the poster she was “punishing her for being a widow”—and her mom and dad agreed.
“My parents have since called to tell me that they would watch Lilac and that I should not rub my happy marriage in Brittany’s face,” she said.
Although Redditors sympathized with Brittany, they also believed she was “emotionally blackmailing” Ice-Ice-Revolution and urged her not to give in.
“That’s such an unreasonable request and frankly if that’s the way she feels, she should be going for therapy,” said Mobile_Prune_3207.
“You’re not throwing your marriage in her face, you’re celebrating your marriage between you and your husband.”
Discofeverish agreed, writing: “This is straight up manipulation to try to get a free trip to Paris.”
Couette-Couette said: “Take a weekend with her to the spa if you want to but do not compromise about your Christmas gift. Her request is so delirious that I question her mental state.”
Voxetpraetereanihill commented: “I get that grief is crazy making, but it’s not a free ticket to bullying people or using loss as a leverage. Stop letting these ridiculous people emotionally blackmail you.”
Commenters were also unimpressed with the attitude of Ice-Ice-Revolution’s parents, with BobbleWobblez calling them “toxic and manipulative.”
“If your parents are so concerned for her Valentine’s Day experience, they should pay for her trip themselves, instead of trying to steal someone else’s,” said Pamuhihoke.
While Dashcamkitty asked: “Why did these parents run and tell Brittany anyway? Can they not see their own child enjoying something with her husband?”
Newsweek reached out to u/Ice-Ice-Revolution for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
